Self-harming is my way to cope.. I don’t understand why that is so difficult to understand for some people. Yes I’ve been through a lot, and yes my way to cope with life is different, but no it is not easy to just stop and switch off how I feel. I don’t think anyone really understands what it truly is like to self-harm, apart from those that have gone through with it. The euphoria, the relief, the proof of existence.. It all hits you in that one second of painful pleasure. It’s an addiction.
I still remember the first time I started cutting, I was 12 years old and I did it during a bathroom break whilst at school. I excused myself from class and walked into the toilets and shut the door behind me as I entered one of the cubicles. Nobody was there, it was just me and the sound of my breath. I had a scissors in my pocket which I used to cut the top of my left arm. It just felt right to do it. I was in pain, it did hurt, but it was an escape from the true pain I had buried away inside me. There was just something about seeing my own blood drip from my arm, it reminded me that I am alive and that I’m not empty inside. Ever since then I started cutting more regularly. Of course it was my secret, so I had to make sure I could never be found out. I cut in places that would not be seen by anyone. I wore long clothes even in the summer to hide my deep sorrow filled scars. And I was successful for many years.
But one day I told someone, well the situation was such. It was a friend who saw my scars whilst I was getting changed in the dressing room of a clothes store. She just lifted the curtain and I panicked in that moment with all sorts of questions erupting in my head.. Did she see? How much did she see? What is she going to think? Will she accept me? Does she think I’m a freak? Is she going to run away? …Of course she saw.
I didn’t know what to do, I looked at her horrified as she found out my secret that I had hidden away for years. But to my relief she didn’t judge me. If anything, she supported me and listened to my story and what triggered this behaviour within me.
I didn’t know what to do, I looked at her horrified as she found out my secret that I had hidden away for years. But to my relief she didn’t judge me. If anything, she supported me and listened to my story and what triggered this behaviour within me.
Everyone’s trigger is different. My trigger was when I lost a dear loved one to cancer. I didn’t know how to grieve or handle my emotions, and the lack of control I was experiencing was driving me insane. So this led me to gain control over something in my life which at a young age happened to be my choice to harm myself.
I am in a better place now and haven’t self-harmed for 4 months, 2 weeks and 4 days thanks to my support circle. I realised having support is more important than I anticipated.
Here at Inspire Therapy, we offer you the space to talk about how you feel so you can further explore your emotions and find out where they stem from. We are here to work with you to help see you through your difficult times.
